Living with Loss
by HR always live on
Summary: Set late series 8, HR multi chapter again! Ruth disappears without an explanation, making Harry worry, and follow her down to Devon. Hopefully a bit more interesting than that! Chapter 10 up. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

Harry looked around the grid, becoming increasingly worried. Ruth hadn't shown up for work, and what was worse, she hadn't called to explain her absence either. On the rare occasion that she'd been late, usually due to a traffic accident, she always called. But nothing this morning. He looked at his watch, trying to fight down the worry he felt when he saw the time was fast approaching half past nine. "Does anyone know where Ruth is?" he asked, hoping he sounded casual, not worried to distraction. Judging by the looks both Dimitri and Lucas gave him, he wasn't that convincing in his casual tone.

"She left a message with the switch board late last night," Dimitri said, fishing out the paperwork. "Said she had to take immediate compassionate leave."

Harry snatched the papers from him, hurriedly skimming over them. But apart from what Dimitri had just said, there was no more information. Just the regular MI5 forms, which had been automatically filled in with useless information. Or useless to him at any rate. "Sorry Harry," Dimitri said. "I thought you knew." Harry could read under the words to what Dimitri really thought. _He thought Ruth would have called me if there was a problem,_ Harry thought. He felt a brief flash of pain that she hadn't before he got himself under control again. What if she was in trouble? What if she'd been captured and was currently being tortured? He considered his options, then looked at Tariq.

"Trace the GPS in her phone," he said. "I want to know if she's still in London." Tariq nodded, his fingers clicking against the keyboard quickly. A minute later, he'd found her and Harry felt something inside him unclench, as the worry that unfriendly forces could have taken her began to recede. The map showed a red dot, indicating her phone. In Exeter. "Bring up the address." Tariq did, with a few more taps of the keyboard and Harry sighed. "Property owned by Elizabeth Evershed," he said under his breath. "Thank you."

He spent perhaps five minutes debating what to do. "Lucas, can you hold down the grid today? I need to go."

"Down to Devon?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Harry didn't deny it, but said nothing. "Everything will be fine here."

"Okay," Harry replied. "I'll call for some temporary cover staff."

"Go," Lucas said. "We'll manage. We're still filling out the paperwork over the Iranian suicide bombers anyway."

"Thank you," Harry said sincerely. He called his driver to meet him out the back of Thames House to take him to Waterloo station. The train would be much quicker than attempting to drive out of London and through the mayhem of traffic on the roads. Before leaving Thames House, he called Ruth's mobile but she wasn't picking up. He sighed, but knew he'd already made his decision.

"I've got to go." He went through the pods and didn't look back.

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><p>It took a little over four hours, but when he stood in front of Ruth's mothers house, he felt a little apprehensive. After all, she hadn't asked him to come, he'd just decided to race down here. What if he wasn't welcome? No good now. It was far too late for second guessing, and anyway, she still wasn't answering her phone. He felt more than a little worried about her, so he felt at least a little justified in making the journey down to Devon. He shook his head and rang the doorbell.<p>

It took maybe two minutes for her to answer. When she did, he felt a little speechless because this wasn't a Ruth he'd seen before. She looked exhausted and devastated. There were black circles under her eyes, and she'd been clearly crying. Her hair was a mess and she still wore pyjamas though it was past one in the afternoon. She blinked at him for a moment, before rubbing her eyes. "Are you really here, Harry?" she asked quietly.

"Yes," he said. "Should I not have…" He didn't finish his sentence, because she almost tipped forward, hugging him as she burst into tears. After a moments surprise, he stroked her back gently as she cried into his shoulder on the doorstep for endless minutes.


	2. Chapter 2

Eventually she pulled away, embarrassed by crying all over him and she rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "God, what must you think of me, crying all over you on my doorstep before I even say hello."

"Ruth…"

"Come in," she said. "Stop giving the curtain twitching neighbours something to see."  
>He did, not wanting to discuss things on the doorstep. He followed her through to the kitchen and watched as she sat down heavily, leaning her elbows on the kitchen table, not looking at him. "Ruth, what's happened?"<p>

"My mother," she said quietly. "She's… had a heart attack, and she… didn't make it."  
>Harry stayed silent as he took in those words. Then when he'd realised what she was saying, he stayed quiet because he had no idea what to say to those words.<p>

"Ruth, I'm so sorry."

"I rushed down here from London last night," she said quietly. Harry wondered if she'd slept at all. Judging from the state of her, he thought not. "But it didn't matter. She's gone. I… was at the hospital signing forms and things like that. It took forever. With the long journey I didn't get to the house until about ten in the morning. I'm exhausted and I'm trying to sleep, but I can't." Harry recognised what she was doing, telling events blankly as they happened. Emotionlessly, as if they'd happened to someone else. Shock, he knew, but that didn't help him right now. He sat opposite her quietly.

"You don't need to hear all this," she said. "You're probably just trying to hail me back into work."

"Ruth, I hope you think a little more of me than that," he said quietly. "I may be your boss, but I'm also your friend. I'm not here to tell you to come back to London."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I know that really. I'm just…"

"I know," he said. "I do know." She looked up then, into his hazel eyes and knew he spoke the truth. He really did know.

"Of course you do," she said. "Why are you here?"

There were many ways he could answer that question, some more honest than others.

"I worried when you didn't turn up for work," he said quietly, purposely keeping his voice soft. "Your… request for compassionate leave got waylaid in a pile of paperwork."

"Who'd thought MI5 would accept compassionate leave?" she said, smiling slightly.

"I tracked your phone," he said, wanting to be honest rather than hide it from her. She'd eventually find out and then it would be worse in the long run. "I needed to know you were okay."

"I don't mind," she said. "I would have called you, but… I've been all over the place. I wanted to call you, but it was late and I knew you'd be asleep. Then I couldn't find the words. I would have called, Harry, but…"

"I know," he said. He reached across the table and took her hand gently. He felt a little relieved when she squeezed his fingers in reply.

"My mother's… God, I can't even say it."

"It would have been quick, Ruth," he said.

"I know, but… I now have no one." She sniffed and was on the verge of breaking out into tears again. "Both of my parents are gone. I don't have any siblings…" she sighed heavily. Harry wanted to tell her that she had him. That she would always have someone, no matter what happened. He hadn't been able to shake her in more than seven years, and officially they'd been no more than employer and employee. She'd been out of the country for three of those years, and he'd still thought of her everyday. Or more than that really. Every hour would be closer to the mark.

"When did you last sleep?" he asked quietly.

"Back in London," she said. "I can't turn my mind off. I close my eyes and all I see is my mother."

"I think you should take a sleeping tablet." She sighed, but didn't argue with him which he took as a bad sign. She was clearly exhausted. "Are there any in the house, or shall I go to Boots?"

"That wooden shelf," Ruth said nodding in the direction. "All of the paracetemol and other pills were always kept in the Toby jug there." He followed her instructions and found a box of Nytol. He checked the expiration date before handing them over.

"Take them," Harry said. "No matter what else is going on, you need sleep."

"I will, but I need to call Elsie first," she said. "If I don't tell her that my mum's… gone, she'll hear it from someone else and never forgive me."

"Are you sure you're up to that?" he asked softly.

"It's the best cause of action," she said. "Elsie's my mothers best friend, and the town gossip. If I tell her now, she'll tell everyone else. It'll save me an awful lot of calls later."

"Okay," he said. "Shall I go or…"

"I'd like you here," she said firmly. "As soon as I got through with the hospital I wanted to talk to you, but…"

"What?" he asked. "You didn't want to disturb me at work?"

"Something like that."

"Ruth, you're more important than a few days on the grid. You must know that. You must know that I'd drop everything to help you."

"Harry, I do," she said. "But I don't know what we are to each other, and the day after my mother... died is not the time to discuss it."

"No," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Harry, could you make me a cup of tea?" she asked. "This is going to be a hard phone call." He nodded, getting up to boil the kettle.

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><p><strong>Massive thank you to the encouraging reviews so far! More up when it's written.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

"Okay. Yes. See you soon. Bye." Ruth disconnected the call, putting the phone on the kitchen table and bowing her head. Harry pushed the sleeping tablets towards her.

"You need your rest," he said firmly.

"I know." She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. She took the tablets then looked at him. "Are you going to…"

"I'll be fine. Now sleep."

"Yes," she agreed. She almost stumbled up the stairs with tiredness, and Harry waited several minutes to be sure she wouldn't reappear downstairs before calling the grid. He was clearly going to be a few days in Exeter, probably up to a week if Ruth allowed him to stay, and Ruth herself would be in no condition to return to work. He needed to arrange cover he trusted, and there were only certain people he wanted working in section D. It would take a lot of called in favours, and a lot of time spent on the phone, but after all, he had the time. And right now nothing was more important to him than making sure Ruth was both eating and sleeping properly.

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><p>"Yes, if you have those forms specially delivered, I'll sign them then courier them back to London tomorrow." Harry heard Ruth's footsteps on the stairs and wanted to finish the conversation quickly. "Of course. Will do. Bye." She appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, a faint smile on her face. She'd slept all day and he was pleased she'd got some well needed rest.<p>

"You stayed," she said.

"Of course I did," he said. "Did you not…"

"No," she said, cutting him off. "I just wasn't sure if you were really here or I dreamed it. And if you'd be able to stay, what with Thames House."

"I've got Julia and Phillip Lane to cover for us for a while," he said.

"How the hell did you manage that?" she asked, putting on the kettle out of habit. She raised her eyebrows at him in question and he nodded, wanting a tea.

"I've had a few favours owing," he said.

"They're brilliant," Ruth said. "Their reputation precedes them over at section A."

"I know." Harry sighed. "But they're British to the bone and I've got too much over the pair of them for them to betray me."

"What've you got on them?" she asked curiously.

"I'm keeping that to myself," he said with a twinkle in his eye. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really, but I know I should eat."

"What takeaway do you want?" he asked.

Ruth frowned at him and looked at the clock. "It's quarter past nine in the evening," she said. "It doesn't matter what take away I want, no one will still be open at this time of night." He seemed a little blank and she smiled. "We're not in London anymore. You're down in sleepy Devon now."

"There's a 24 hour convenience store down the road," he said. He remembered seeing it when looking for Ruth's address.

"Yes, but unless things have changed drastically since the last time I was here, that will have closed too," she said. "Sometimes there are advantages to living in London."

"Mm," he said. "You are going to eat." He opened the fridge and Ruth watched as he took several eggs and the bottle of milk out of the fridge and started making scrambled eggs. She watched his back, admiring his rumpled shirt as he moved around the kitchen. Who'd have thought Harry would have looked so homely and comfortable cooking for her? Then she felt it swamp her all over again. Harry was only here, in her mothers kitchen because her mother was dead. She choked back a sob but clearly not well enough as Harry turned to her, concern in his hazel eyes.

"Ruth…"

"I… for a few moments there, I forgot. I forgot she's gone."

"It's okay," he said quietly.

"No, it's not," she said. "Of course it's not okay." She wiped her eyes and sniffed loudly.

"No," he agreed. "I'm so sorry."

She smiled at him weakly and he smiled back for a moment before turning to the eggs. "If I burn the eggs the first time I cook for you, you'll never let me in the kitchen again." She knew he spoke lightly, to give her some privacy while she composed herself, but she appreciated it none the less. By the time he plated up their meals, she'd stopped crying.

She ate a small bite to keep Harry happy, rather than because she fancied it, but as soon as the food hit her stomach she realised how ravenous she was. She hadn't eaten in at least twenty four hours, probably longer. In an amazingly short time her plate was empty.

"Thank you, Harry," she said. "I haven't eaten in a while and that was wonderful."

"You need to take care of yourself," he said, keeping the criticism very light.

"I know," she said. "I will. Oh God, I've got to organise a funeral now!" Harry didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent, only taking her hand gently. "I'll have to go through her house and all her stuff. What am I going to do!"

"It'll be okay," he said.

"No, it won't," she said. "And I feel like I've spent three weeks crying too," she added, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, by the way," she said after a pause.

"For what?"

"For coming down to Exeter to sit with a miserable hysterical woman."

"Any time," he said. "Should I… check into a hotel?" he asked hesitantly.

"No, there's a spare room," she said. "I've been sleeping in my old bedroom, so if you want to stay here… Of course you can go to a hotel if you'd prefer. Of course you would, you wouldn't want to stay in my mothers house."

"Ruth, I'd love to be here, if you want me here," he said, cutting off her rambling.

"I would," she said with a slight smile. "Thanks."


	4. Chapter 4

Ruth awoke at three in the morning, and knew that was enough sleep for the day. After sleeping away the previous afternoon, she'd got more than her fair share, even though it was early in the morning. She wrapped herself in her old dressing gown which was almost threadbare and went downstairs. Standing in the lounge, she looked around, studying her mothers possessions and feeling a little daunted by the task in front of her. She'd have to go through all of her mothers belongings and who knew how long that would take.

She took in a deep breath, before going to the bookshelf. Now she was awake in a quiet house, she might as well start. It wouldn't get easier for the waiting. "Oh God." She pinched the bridge of her nose before turning to the bookshelves. Her mother had loved reading, as much as she did, and apart from Ruth's fondness for classical literature, they had similar taste in books. Plus going through the bookshelves sounded like a much easier emotional task than anything else in her mothers house might be. For example, photo albums. She mentally shirked from that task.

She nodded, making her decision, before going to collect some boxes from the shed. The entire time she'd been growing up, that was all the shed was used for, storing miscellaneous items and having hundreds of empty boxes. Sure enough, she wasn't disappointed.

Within half an hour she was surrounded by her mothers novels, sorting through them, deciding which ones she wanted to keep, and which ones she would be getting rid of. Which was how Harry found her when he woke up at a more reasonable hour than she had. Ruth sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by heaps of books, and boxes which were half full. Ruth had bit her bottom lip in concentration and he smiled to see her like that, the shadow of grief at least temporarily removed from her face.

"Ruth?"

"Mm?" she murmured, looking up at him. She felt a small twinge of guilt when she saw that he'd dressed in yesterdays clothes, and he noticed.

"I've got some of my things being delivered this morning," he said quietly. "You were asleep and I didn't ask if you wanted anything here," he added in apology. "I didn't want an anonymous MI5 security escort going through your things in London without your permission.

"No, I'm fine," she said. "I've got my old stuff here. Things I've left when I'm visiting too."

"And we're not going to run out of reading material either," he said, nodding at the floor.

She smiled. "I'm actually enjoying myself," she admitted. "Is that wrong?"

"No," he said quietly.

"She kept all of my fathers books too," Ruth said quietly. I've already got three boxes taped up in the hall I want to take home."

"Yes, I saw them," he said. "Can I do anything for you?"

"No," she said. "I'm fine." It was mostly true. Going through her parents mini library wasn't draining at all. It was filled with good memories and the added pleasure of going through books. She was sure the pain would return soon, but for the moment, she was okay.

"Ruth, I'll do anything you need."

"Well, if you're insisting, I'll have a cup of tea."

"Coming up," he said. She smiled at his retreating back, before putting a stack of unwanted books in a charity box. She didn't get any further before her phone rang.

"Yes?"

"Hello, I'm looking for Miss Evershed."

"Speaking," she said warily. Her job had given her a wariness about giving out her real name.

"I'm Mark Bartlett, Elizabeth Evershed's attorney, and I need you to come in to read out her will." There was a pause while Ruth took in those words. "You called a couple of days ago about…"

"Yes, I did," she said. "Thank you for getting back to me." She had indeed originally called him, in the mess of the hospital forms and late at night, because she'd completely lost track of time, disturbing his sleep which she felt a little bad about. She didn't have a clear memory of the call, but then that was hardly surprising with the shock she'd been under at the time.

"When would be convenient for you to come and see me?"

"As soon as possible," she said, wanting to get it over with. Harry came back in and handed her a mug of tea. Sweet, she noticed, a lump of emotion in her throat which had nothing to do with her mother.

"Tomorrow?" he suggested. "I could have a morning appointment for you at nine, if that suits."

"Perfect," she said. "Can you remind me of the address? I haven't lived in Exeter for a while." She couldn't place it in her mind. Harry, as if reading her mind passed her a notepad and a pen and she scribbled it down. "Thank you. See you tomorrow."

She sighed heavily, her good mood from going through hundreds of books evaporating instantly. Harry sat on the floor next to her, his knees creaking with the effort. "Will you go with me?" she asked, looking down at the floor. He tilted her chin up so she looked at him and he smiled.

"Of course I will, you don't even have to ask." She smiled slightly and then leaned forward and kissed him. Just a brief glance of lips against his, so slight it seemed as if it had been a figment of his imagination. But he knew it wasn't.

"Thank you," she said.

"It's nothing."

"I didn't mean for going with me to the attorney tomorrow," she said. "Thank you for everything. Thank you for rushing down here to be with me. To help me. Thank you for being so thoughtful." He smiled at her, then turned away from her. He didn't want to be tempted to kiss her again, not under the circumstances. He desperately needed to change the subject before he gave in to temptation.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

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><p><strong>More soon, probably Monday. Thank you so much for the reviews so far. Hope I continue to entertain!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**A short chapter, but better than nothing I hope! I hadn't planned this scene either, it just wrote itself this way. Enjoy.**

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><p>"That was delicious," she said, as they left the restaurant, meandering home rather than walking directly there. It was freezing, but they were both wrapped up well, and reluctant to break the enjoyment of the evening they'd spent together.<p>

"Yes, it was," he agreed. It was good to see Ruth somewhere other than the grid or her house. Or her mothers house. He knew he was dangerously close to losing his control, and seeing her all hours of the day was beginning to do things to him. To make him imagine what living with her would be like. Sharing breakfast together, existing under the same roof. Even imagining sharing her bed, night after night, falling asleep next to her, waking up to her beautiful face. He really didn't want to take advantage of her grief, but his self control was weakening, and he knew it. Especially when Ruth smiled like that towards him.

"Do you have to go back to London soon?" she asked.

"Not immediately," he said. "I'll stay here as long as you need me." He swallowed uncomfortably, because there was that smile again. He could see enough of her face under the street lights and the smile made her look happy, a rare enough occurrence even before her mothers death.

"You should smile more," he murmured. "You're so beautiful when you smile." There it was, his self control falling completely out of place. He should not have said that under the present circumstances.

"Harry…" He didn't even have the chance to respond. She pressed her lips to his and he froze. Then just as quickly he responded to her, flicking his tongue across her soft lips. Her gloved fingers curved around his head, toying with his hair as the kiss deepened and he wrapped his arms around her waist, fingers caressing the small of her back. Their were so many layers of fabric between them, he could barely feel the warmth of her body, but to hold her like this after so long felt like an exquisite pleasure he'd been long denied. He pulled her more firmly against him, needing to feel her, even through the layers of clothing between them. He knew he should be stopping this, and annoyingly the rational part of his mind was resurfacing.

"Ruth…"

"No," she murmured. "Don't stop this." She kissed his cheek and moved until her lips were hovering over his ear. "Please, Harry. This isn't grief." Just a whisper but it was enough. He pulled her into another embrace, his lips demanding and wanting. She moaned quietly, and he felt his heart race. He wanted her badly, and it was at this that he remembered they were in the middle of the street.

"We should go inside," he said.

"Harry…?"

"What?" He still had a hand on her back, but he dropped it slowly, feeling a gap grow between them.

"I need to know what you feel for me," she said quietly. "I know neither of us are forthcoming when it comes to… us." There was the faintest pause before the word "us" but he heard it. "But ever since I came back, since I came home, I've still felt it." She sighed heavily, but to her credit she kept looking at him. They never spoke like this, and he recognised that it was her immediate loss which was making her be honest with him. "There's still that pull between us. I need to know what you want."

"Is this the time?"

"No," she said. "But it never is for us. We need to make the time."

"Ruth, I wouldn't have left London for anyone else in the world, save my two children. There are not many people that I care about. Fewer that care about me in return. You are one of them. I hope," he added.

"I do care about you, Harry," she said simply. In that moment, it was simple. All of the complications and all of their history fell away for a few minutes. They were just two people and it really was wonderfully simple. Ruth leaned into his chest, her head resting on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her by instinct. He took a moment, then pressed a kiss to her hair gently.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Harry," she said into his chest.

"You'd be just fine," he said.

"No." She breathed in deeply, knowing the truth of her next words. "No, I wouldn't."


	6. Chapter 6

**So, I'm not very happy with this chapter, but it's the in betweeny, necessary one.**

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><p>Ruth awoke to Harry shouting on the phone. She sat up, trying to catch some words, but apart from his raised voice, she couldn't hear anything. He must be downstairs, because his voice would travel otherwise. She sighed, thinking about the night before. Ever since they returned to Elizabeth's house, he hadn't touched her. She'd felt disappointed, but also not brave enough to push the issue. They'd slept alone, no matter how much her body was craving him. And she was. Now she'd admitted to both him and to herself how much Harry mattered to her, she didn't want to deny herself any longer. They'd been doing that for far too long.<p>

Rolling over, she looked at the clock. 7am. So Harry was most likely being summoned back to Thames House. Her heart plummeted. Especially when she remembered that the attorney was reading her mothers will this morning. She got up, and went to have a shower. She had to get dressed and get moving, whether Harry came with her or not.

She felt a little better after her shower and wrapped her body in a towel when Harry knocked on the bathroom door. "Ruth?"

"Hold on a minute," she said, looking down at herself. She was hardly decent, wearing just a towel and nothing else, but she gave herself a mental shake. It didn't really matter after all. She unlocked the door and opened it. Harry looked in her eyes for a moment before his gaze dropped lower. She felt her face flushing as he took in the towel, his eyes going over every inch of her. "What is it?" she asked, bringing his attention back to her face. "You have to leave?"

"No," he said. "They do want me back on the grid as a situations come up."

"What?" she asked. He hesitated and she smiled. "I work with you, Harry. There's no need to hide things from me."

He smiled slightly. "Al Qaeda are planning to bomb both London, Edinburgh and Cardiff simultaneously."

"When?"

"Monday morning."

"Who? Specifically, I mean."

"A man called Ahmed Nasser is orchestrating the attack. Not getting his hands dirty, of course, and we can't pin anything on him."

"He's in south London," Ruth said, surprising him. "I came across him last week on the grids normal surveillance. He was an anomaly so I kept an eye on him."

"Where in south London?" Harry asked urgently.

"I don't know," she said. "I can't remember. He wasn't doing anything suspicious so it didn't stick in my memory. It's on my files though." She sighed and closed her eyes. "Hook your laptop up to the grid and let me get dressed. I'll find him."

"Ruth, you're busy," he said. "I shouldn't be talking to you about work anyway. Not now."

"Look, we have a little while before I have to go and hear my mothers will. Just do it quickly, then we can go. Okay?" He still looked concerned, and she smiled, leaning towards him and kissing his cheek. "I'm okay." He reached for her face, his fingertips gently caressing her damp skin. His thumb ended up on her bottom lip. She felt herself blushing from the close contanct and she reluctantly turned her face away. "We've really got to get moving," she said. "A lot to do today."

"Yes," he agreed. She walked past him to get dressed and he watched her towel clad figure vanish from sight.

* * *

><p>Three hours later Ruth closed the front door, feeling completely numb. "You need something to eat," Harry said.<p>

"How could I have had no idea?" she asked, not really expecting an answer.

"Ruth…"

"I mean, I knew she wasn't hard up for money and lived a comfortable life, but how could I have no idea she had _that_ kind of money?"

"I don't know," he said quietly. Nothing further was said until he gave her a mug of tea and she wrapped her fingers around it, grateful for the warmth. "What on earth am I going to do with the money?"

"Think about it," he advised. "This is a good thing."

"I know," Ruth said, shaking her head. "I expected to get the house. After all, there's no one else apart from me. But so much…"

"You're in shock," he said quietly.

"Yes," she agreed. His phone rang and he cursed under his breath.

"I have to…" she nodded as he answered it. "Yes?" The conversation was very brief and Ruth sipped her tea, waiting for Harry to hang up. When he did, he smiled briefly.

"They've found Ahmed Nasser."

"Caught him?"

"No. They're tracking him to see where he leads them to. They've still got no idea of the cell leaders, and he's unlikely to confide in MI5, even if given persuasion."

"Mm," she said. "That's good that the grid's following him."

"Thanks to you," he said. "You're brilliant."

"No, not this time," she said, smiling back. "This time I was lucky that I came across him about a week ago."

"Maybe," he said. "Doesn't stop you from being brilliant though."

"You really think that about me, don't you?" she asked. He didn't reply, and knew she didn't expect one either. He smiled at her and she closed her eyes. Watching her for a few more minutes, he took her mug of tea when it became clear she was falling asleep, and put it on the coffee table. He sat back, revelling in the unexpected pleasure he now had. To admire her face openly, without her either turning away, or her very expressive beautiful blue eyes making him feel uncomfortable. He loved her. Just sitting on the arm chair and watching her as her head rested against her shoulder in sleep, and that thought came to him as clearly as if it had been spoken. He'd known for years, but never had he felt so close to actually vocalising it. His fingers ached to touch her, his body ached to hold her so badly he could almost taste it. But there would be time for them. Last night was an excellent start too.

Her eyelashes flickered for a moment before she relaxed back into sleep. "Oh, my beautiful Ruth."


	7. Chapter 7

**So, this is the last chapter before I go away. It seems a good place to leave it. More will be forthcoming in a couple of weeks. :) Oh, and an M rated warning...**

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><p>It was the night after Elizabeth's funeral and Harry and Ruth were sharing a very nice bottle of merlot that they'd found in the kitchen. For Ruth, it had been an incredibly stressful, tiring and a very sad day. Her mothers friends had been a nice bunch of people, all honestly grieving about Elizabeth's passing which had made things easier. Ruth had met one or two of them before, but mostly they were strangers to her. As funerals go, it had been a good one. During the service when she felt like she might cry, Harry had reached for her hand in silence, squeezing tightly. She'd so appreciated that. He'd been her anchor to hold onto as the day unfolded.<p>

They were sat next to each other on the sofa, close but not touching as they finished the wine. "Thank you, Harry," she said. "For everything."

"I wouldn't have made you face this alone," he murmured. She smiled, very grateful. More grateful than she could ever tell him.

"So, you're back in London tomorrow?"

"Mm," he said. "The 5 am train. I'm sorry, but I…"

"I know you have to go. I'll… tidy the house up as soon as I can and be back in London."

"No," he said. "Take your time. The job can wait."

"Thank you," she said. She finished her glass of wine, putting it on the coffee table. When she turned to Harry, she noticed he looked grim, and she knew that look. He was about to ask a question he didn't want to know the answer to.

"Ruth," he said quietly. "I've been trying not to ask, but it's been bothering me for a few days." She nodded for him to continue. "Do you blame me?"

"Blame you for what?" she asked, bewildered.

"For… missing out," he said. "It was my fault that you left the country after Cotterdam. You've only been back a few months, and your mother died. I want to know if you blame me for missing that time. Those years with her."

"No, Harry," she said, a faint smile on her face. "Of course I don't. It wasn't your fault. Cotterdam. It never was."

"But…"

"It was my choice," she interrupted, speaking softly. "And I'd do it again if I had to."

"I never want you to do that for me," he said firmly. "I wanted to go to prison so you'd have your freedom. I never wanted you to do that. For God's sake, Ruth, I'm not worth it."

She smiled, and reached for his hand, squeezing lightly. "You are worth it, Harry," she said. "And I didn't think it all through before I did it. It was… an instinct. And you know that's true, because you tried to do the same thing for me." He nodded, seeing her point.

"I still feel a little guilty that you missed out three years of being able to talk to your mother."

"I didn't," she said. "I still… I was in contact with her. Once I was fairly certain I couldn't be traced. She knew I worked for MI5, and I told her I couldn't remain in Britain any longer."

"You were… writing to her?" he asked, feeling hollow.

"Yes," she said. "And before you say anything, I wanted to contact you Harry. So badly. But I knew it was dangerous and could pull up some red flags. Which would have been noticed by people I didn't want to know I was alive. I'm sure Mace's men were watching and waiting. I don't think they were convinced by that body that was pulled from the Thames."

"I know you couldn't contact me," he said sadly. "I wanted to go looking for you too. I knew that the safest thing for you would be to leave you alone. I'm not upset that you were contacting your mother and not me. I understand." She looked into his hazel eyes, still sparkling at her and she knew that he did understand.

"I don't blame you, Harry," she said. He nodded in understanding and she sighed, before curling herself into his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. Over the last few days they'd become increasingly comfortable in small actions of affection. It still caused them frissions of excitement, but they were both becoming used to and enjoying the small physical connections between them.

She closed her eyes as he stroked her hair comfortingly. Almost hypnotically as she breathed in the wonderful scent of Harry which surrounded her. Oh, God, she could stay like this forever. She didn't think about it before she moved, turning her head so she could press her lips to the hollow of his throat. She couldn't believe she'd done that.

She was about to stutter an apology when she saw the look in his eyes, dark and filled with desire. He leaned forward and kissed her deeply, his arms tightening around her body, pulling her as close to him as possible. The kiss was the most passionate she'd ever known, leaving her shaking and breathing heavily when their lips parted.

"Ruth, I…"

"Don't you dare apologise," she said, eyes bright. "Not unless you didn't mean it."

"Of course I meant it," he breathed. "I've wanted to do that for years."

"Then do it again," she said. A smile flickered on his face before he followed her advice, allowing his lips to slowly caress hers sensually and erotically. Within a minute, Ruth found herself sprawled on the sofa, Harry pressing against her body as he continued kissing her in the most exquisite way. She moaned as his hand cupped her breast through her blouse and she wrapped her arms around him tightly, needing to hold him.

"Oh…" she moaned quietly as his hand slid up her thigh, under her skirt, sending a surge of desire through her. His fingers grazed the lace of her underwear very lightly, and he pulled back from their kiss in silent question. She gasped at the look of intense desire in his eyes, gone almost black. She'd never seen him look like that and she smiled at him, her Harry. She moaned and her eyes flickered closed as his fingers slid under the lace, stroking her wonderfully.

Before she was fully aware of her actions, she undid his belt, and grasped him through his underwear. He groaned right next to her ear, sending a shiver through her. She stroked him until he pulled her hand away. "This'll be over far too quickly if you carry on." She smiled as they both continued to caress each other and fumble with their clothing.

In the event, it was over far too quickly. It didn't even last five minutes. The years of longing and denial that they'd both endured meant that they were both desperate to have each other, coming together in the height of passion before they even stopped to think. They'd been too desperate to even get undressed, Ruth's skirt around her waist, her underwear pulled aside.

Harry stilled inside her, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. "I'm…"

"No," she interrupted. She pressed her fingers over his lips. "If the next sentence includes the word sorry, I don't want to hear it."

"Okay," he said. He pulled away from her, their bodies parting with murmured moans from them both. "I think we should go to bed," he whispered.

"Yes," she said. "That sounds… Yes. Bed." Then she smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry awoke in the darkness and reached for his watch. Pressing the light to see the time, he sighed and got up, knowing that he had a train to catch. He'd not been completely asleep, just dozing lightly. Probably because he felt more than a little guilty about what had happened last night. Not only had they shared a desperate fuck on the sofa, they'd gone upstairs to the spare room (which Harry had been sleeping in) and done it all again. Only that time it'd been a bit slower, and they had at least managed to get undressed. What bothered him was that had she not been grieving, they'd most likely never have had sex.

Harry opened the curtains a little, letting enough of the street light into the room so he could see enough to get dressed. He shook his head when he thought of the fuck on the sofa. It'd been more than a decade since he'd lost control of himself like that. He'd slept with women, obviously, but it had been a long, long time since he'd lost himself so utterly.

"Harry?" Ruth murmured as she turned in bed, her arm searching for him.

"Go to sleep," he replied. "It's early and I have to go."

"You can't come back to bed for five minutes?"

"No," he said gently, though the lure of her naked warm body was incredibly enticing. "Sorry."

"Oh," she sighed. She sounded disappointed and he couldn't resist leaning over her and kissing her gently. Just the touch of her lips and her fingers curling in his hair made him want to forget that he was needed in London. It would be so easy to forget everything and lose himself in her.

"I should go," he murmured, kissing her again.

"I know," she said. "As much as I might like a repeat of last night."

"We will," he said, smiling slightly as he fixed his tie. "I am sorry that I have to go."

"Don't be," she said. "I know you've been here longer than you should."

"Call if you need anything," he said.

"I will."

"Go back to sleep."

"I might," she said. "Bye Harry."

He paused, looking at her figure curled up under the bed sheets, the dim orange glow of the outside street lights letting him see her just enough. "I'll see you soon, Ruth."

"Mm," she said. He smiled at her, clearly slipping back into sleep and then he turned and left. He really needed to catch this train back to London.

* * *

><p>Ruth awoke several hours later, this time properly. She smiled as she remembered the night before in vivid detail. Harry's hands caressing her body, his ardent, almost desperate kisses as he thrust inside her. She'd always assumed whenever she'd thought about it, that Harry would be a good lover but just how good, she hadn't quite accurately imagined. She could still feel the ghost of his touch on her skin.<p>

As she rubbed her face, she realised that last night wouldn't have happened if her mother hadn't died. Not because of the circumstances exactly, but more because she wouldn't have been brave enough to move towards him in a physical way. She wanted that badly, but would she have actually moved towards him? She doubted it. She'd never been brave with relationships. She'd always been too afraid. Not that she wanted or had wished for her mothers death, but if something good came of it, then she wasn't going to complain.

Her heart fell when she remembered that she had a house clearance to sort out. She'd already decided that she'd be selling the house in Exeter. For good or bad, her life was in London, and had been for a long time now. Not just because of Harry and MI5, but because she loved the city. One of the most beautiful cities in the world. She wouldn't come back to Exeter often with her mother gone, if at all. There would be a few items she wanted in the house, but after that it would almost be a relief to get rid of all of her mothers things.

Almost. She got up, going through to her old bedroom to get dressed. The good mood she'd woken up with had now evaporated.

* * *

><p>Ruth was about to step into the shower when her phone rang. It had been a long day, and she debated ignoring it, but knew she couldn't. Then she was glad she hadn't, as a text message from Harry was waiting for her.<p>

_Are you awake?_

She smiled, and instead of answering by text, she called him. "Yes," she said when he answered.

"I didn't want to call, in case you were sleeping," he said. Was she imagining it, or was his voice a little lower than normal? A little more seductive.

"No, afraid not," she said. "Edith kept ringing, telling me she'd leant my mother various items she wanted back. I stupidly invited her over and I've only just got rid of her."

"But it's…"

"Late, I know," she said. "Annoying woman. To be fair, I have eaten since she left. Anyway, how's the grid?"

"You don't want to hear about that."

"No, I do," she said. "It'll be nice to know the world still turns."

"Okay," he said. He launched into a discussion over the latest Chinese threat and she moved to lie on her bed, letting his voice wash over her. Even though what he was discussing was bad, she couldn't help but relax. She'd always felt at least partly that way on the grid too. Whatever disaster happened, everything would eventually be okay, because Harry was there. A little childish, but she couldn't help it. He was always a reassuring presence to her.

"Ruth? Are you still there?"

"Yes," she said. "I was enjoying listening to your voice." Normally she wouldn't have said such a thing, but after the day before she thought the time for keeping things like this to herself should have passed. Not that it was easy to be completely honest with him like this. The habit of a lifetime was hard to break though.

"That's good," he said.

"Look, Harry, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us today," she said.

"Oh?" he asked hesitantly. She could sense the fear in his voice, and she spoke quickly to get rid of that spectre.

"I don't regret it, Harry. That's not what I mean. I could never regret last night."

"Good," he said and she smiled at the clear relief in his voice.

"But I have been thinking," she said. "Lets be honest, neither of us tend to say what we think or feel. With regards to each other anyway. We keep our true feelings locked away. And if we… if this relationship is going to work, we have to break that bad habit. We have to actually talk and not hide our feelings away." There was silence on the phone line for a while and she felt nervous, and she bit her lip while waiting for him to reply.

"You're right," he said after a while. "And I want us to work too."

"Good," she said.

"While we're being honest, I miss you, Ruth."

"You've only been away from me for less than a day," she said, pleased nonetheless.

"Doesn't matter," he said. "I still miss you."

She sighed heavily. "I miss you too."

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for being patient. More when it's written!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the delay on this chapter.**

* * *

><p>Ruth missed Harry badly. Over the last week, apart from a couple of rushed phone calls, she hadn't had the chance to have a proper conversation with him. Any more than calling to see whether the other was okay simply had to wait. Ruth felt a little guilty that she wasn't on the grid to help and Harry was relying on an analyst he didn't fully trust. Or didn't trust the way he trusted her. She wanted to be helping Harry on the grid, especially with how tired she knew he was. She could hear it on the phone whenever he called. They'd started to slowly open up to each other, and it felt very new and at first a little uncomfortable, but it was certainly a step in the right direction.<p>

She looked forward to his phone calls every night, sometimes in the early morning. Even though she usually let him go after five minutes, so he could catch some sleep, she still loved it when he called. She told him to call at whatever time because she needed to hear his voice before she slept, and he'd taken her at her word.

Ruth was slowly getting through the house, donating most things to charity shops and filling a few bags with possessions she wanted to keep. But tomorrow was Sunday, and even though Harry was on the grid with such a busy workload, she wanted to go up to London and see him. She made a snap decision to not tell him that she was coming, hoping to surprise him. A smile broke out on her face when she thought of that. It felt like a long time since she'd seen him, so she went online and booked train tickets.

* * *

><p>Harry almost groaned with relief as he got out of his car and said goodbye to his driver. He wanted to do nothing but sleep for two or three days. Unless disaster happened, he wouldn't be needed on the grid tomorrow, thank God. The would be bombers were in custody and he could relax. Or at least that's what he thought. He'd unlocked the door, disabled the alarm and could instantly tell someone else was here. The air wasn't as still as an unoccupied house should be. He looked at the alarm, but it was as it should be. He knew there was a gun in the hallway cabinet and as slowly and as quietly as he could, he reached for it.<p>

Once it was in his hand, he felt a little better, and walked into the kitchen. As soon as he entered, he put the safety catch back on the gun, put it on the table and turned the light on. Ruth sat in a chair, sleeping, a novel open on her lap. As it was dark outside and she hadn't switched a light on, she'd clearly been here for a while. Waiting for him.

"Ruth, wake up," he said quietly.

"Mm," she said, eyes flickering open. "Oh, Harry," she added, a sweet smile appearing on her face.

"You broke into my house," he said lightly, grabbing a bottle of whisky and pouring himself a glass. He raised an eyebrow at her and she nodded so he poured her some too.

"I didn't think you'd mind," she said.

"I don't," he replied. "But having a little warning would be nice. I could have shot you when I realised there was an intruder here." Her eyes flicked to the gun on the table and she looked a little concerned.

"Well, I would hope that you wouldn't shoot someone without having a look at them first. Unless your life was in danger." She sighed. "I'm sorry, but I wanted to see you. And I wanted to surprise you."

"I'm happy you're here," he said. He leaned over her and pressed a gentle soft kiss to her lips. Her fingers found his collar and she frowned, seeing spots of blood. "Not mine," he said. "I need a shower."

"Are you okay?" she asked gently.

"Yes," he said. "A long day. Do you need anything to eat?" he asked suddenly.

"Stop thinking about me," she said. "I'm fine. I'm tired, and I thought I could go to bed." There's just the hint of a question in her voice and he can tell that she's nervous about asking that.

"Ruth, you're more than welcome in my bed whenever you want," he said, in a seductive tone that had her blushing. "I'll join you after a shower?"

She smiled, cradling her whisky before kissing him again. "That sounds wonderful."

"Come upstairs." She smiled, picking up her bag of clothes which Harry hadn't noticed yet and followed him upstairs. He opened his bedroom door and she looked around the room, trying to be unobtrusive about it. The room was dominated by the king size bed, tidy and filled with dark wooden furniture, but there was nothing personal in the bedroom. It could have belonged to anyone and she felt sad about it. No personal touches at all. Too long living alone, she guessed. Or too long working for MI5, which was more likely.

"The bathroom is just through there," he said. "Make yourself at home." He kissed her cheek again before going through to the bathroom. She didn't move, waiting until she heard the water from the shower running. Once she did, her mind was suddenly full of images of Harry naked as the water dripped down his body deliciously. Giving herself a mental shake, she got changed into her pyjamas and slipped into Harry's bed. She allowed herself to relax under the bed sheets, casting her mind back to a time not long ago at all where she would have dreamed to have this chance. To be in Harry's bed, with him in the shower, about to join her. As she thought that, slipping into her daydreams, the shower stopped and within a few moments Harry appeared wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, his skin damp and a happy look on his face.

"Do you know how good it is to have you in my bed, waiting for me?"

"Yes," she said, smiling. "I was just thinking the same thing."


	10. Chapter 10

**So, this is the last chapter and the beginning is rather M rated...**

* * *

><p>Ruth was drifting somewhere beautiful between sleeping and wakefulness, when she rolled over and bumped into Harry, bringing him awake with a small groan. "Sorry," she said, rubbing her face. "I'm not used to sharing a bed."<p>

"That's okay," he said, gathering her close to him, his arm around her waist. He kissed her softly. "Morning."

"Mm," she said under her breath. "Good morning." They hadn't had sex the previous night, both feeling too tired to do more than kiss before sleep took them, so Ruth still wore her pyjamas which Harry's hands were currently roaming underneath. She gasped as his fingers caressed the side of her breast teasingly lightly. She reached for him, but as soon as her fingers wrapped around his length, he broke off the kiss.

"No," he said, gently taking hold of her wrist and pulling her away from him. "This morning, I want it to be slow," he murmured. "I've not made love to you yet."

She frowned at him. "But…"

"We've fucked," he said, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Very memorably, but not made love. This morning I'm going to take advantage of the chance to enjoy your body."

She smiled. "That sounds like I should probably have breakfast first," she teased. "Keep my energy levels up." They both laughed happily. Harry moved away from her, reaching for his phone on the bedside table. She watched as he checked for any messages, then removed both the battery and the SIM card. She looked at him curiously.

"It's about time we weren't interrupted by the grid," he said. She smiled slightly, but was still concerned.

"What if they look and find your phone stripped? Won't they call in back up?"

"I doubt it," he said. "I made it quite clear that I wanted today off. And I was only to be disturbed if London was going to blow up."

"Okay," she said, not really wanting to argue. He pulled her close and kissed her thoroughly, his hands sliding under her top and caressing her body. By the time they parted, she wasn't wearing anything at all.

"I love your hands," she breathed, before pressing her lips back to his. He moved said hands down to her bum, squeezing delightfully. He pushed her onto her back, looming over her as he started kissing his way down her body. She entwined her fingers in his hair as he kissed her collarbone, slowly working down. She moaned loudly as he sucked her nipple and he looked up at her.

"Oh, make that noise again," he murmured. "That was beautiful."

"Just don't stop," she said, smiling at him, sighing as he returned to her skin. She closed her eyes in complete bliss as his tongue and lips worshipped her breasts. She stopped thinking completely as heat surged through her body. She wanted him, badly, but she knew he wasn't going to stop this slow tease until he was completely satisfied.

"Oh…" she moaned as he moved his fingers between her thighs, stroking her arousal deliciously. Then his fingers were gone, teasing her thighs feather lightly. "No, don't stop…" she said, reaching for his wrist and moving his hand back between her legs. "Please Harry…"

"Oh, you like that do you?" he whispered in her ear, fingertips teasing her as he licked her neck gently.

"Please," she begged. "I need… I want…"

"What?" he breathed heavily. "You want what?"

"You," she moaned. "I want you." He pushed two fingers inside her, stroking her slowly as she cried out. "Harry… Oh!" He smiled as she climaxed, her body writhing with pleasure as she kept gasping for breath. When she lay back, recovering, he kissed her slowly, their bodies pressing together everywhere.

"My turn," she said lazily. He smiled as she pushed him until he laid flat on his back, and then she straddled him. He stroked her hair, his hand following her body until he cupped her breast gently.

"Ruth…"

"Sh," she said, putting her fingers to his lips and smiling at him. "I'm going to enjoy this." He licked her fingers and she shivered with want. She kissed him, knowing this was going to be more than an enjoyable morning.

* * *

><p>As it turned out, it was well passed midday by the time they got downstairs and had a cup of tea. It'd been a long, pleasurable, memorable morning spent in each others arms. For once they didn't have anything likely to distract them. The grid seemed far away and both of their phones had been ignored, leaving them feeling wonderfully free for a brief moment in time.<p>

"What's this?" Ruth turned, having been looking out of Harry's kitchen window, thinking about their morning and saw him picking up an envelope. She'd left it on the kitchen table the night before, but he'd clearly been too distracted to see it.

"Open it," she said. He looked at her again, frowning, but did as she asked. When he'd gone through the contents, his face went to that impassive look she was beginning to find annoying. It was a look that hid what he really thought. "Harry?"

"What is this?" he asked quietly.

"I thought we both deserved some time," she said quietly. "Time to just... be, without MI5 interfering." Harry held two round the world tickets and his gaze kept flicking between them and her face. "I've always wanted to travel, and I don't want to do it alone. I want to do it with you."

"Ruth, this is too much…"

"No, it's not," she said. "With the sale of my mothers house, and the money she left me, I'm… Well, I'm never going to spend it all. This is what I want. If… I mean… you don't..."

"No, I do," he interrupted her, seeing the doubt on her face. "I'd love to go… travelling with you. Of course I would."

"Good," she said. "I was getting worried there. They're for six months time, so we can… tie things up. I know it's going to be very difficult with work, but…"

"We'll manage," he said firmly. He put the tickets back in the envelope and wrapped his arms around her waist. "For once, the grid… MI5 needs to come second. This is… a wonderful surprise, Ruth."

She smiled and kissed him deeply. "It's a present for both of us," she said. "And I'm giving in. We'll go to Paris first."

"Oh, Ruth," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "You're only giving in because it's geographically closer than New York."

"Well, partly," she admitted. "But I'm willing to concede it's a very beautiful city."

"I won't notice the city at all if I'll have the most beautiful woman in the world on my arm when we're there." She rolled her eyes at the line. "Hey, I meant it."

"It's a good job I find you so irresistible," she said. He smiled and kissed her again.

* * *

><p><strong>The End. Hope you can leave one last review, thanks for reading.<strong>


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